Tuesday, October 30, 2007

~ Depress ~

Wakes up daily around 610am and get ready for work. After a hectic day @ work, travels back to bro-inlaw's house to have dinner. Reached my home at 7pm and bath, do housework, look after Denver & Gladys.. that is my daily routine. Nowadays Gladys is getting active and Denver tends to sleep late.. my work is getting busy and I have to attend meetings or work late in the night.

Even for weekends, I wake up at 7am. Manage the kids, vacuum, mop, do housework.... go out have lunch/dinner.. bring the kids to shop/ library/ grocery store... come back home, nap... read story books, paint.....the cycle goes on and on. Looking at it..there is nothing much to complain about I guess.. but the fact is I am tired..

I feel bad towards Denver.. I ponder why is he sleeping later? Why he always wants to talk? Why he wants me to play with him? I think he is lonely. I am always too pre-occupied with Gladys.. by the time she is asleep, I am almost worn out.. at times, I tend to fall asleep while cradling her to bed. I try to make an effort to keep Denver company.. but sometimes I got to work in the night.. so where is Daddy coming in place??

Sad to say...Daddy is always busy with his online games.. it seems to me playing game is of a greater pleasure than keeping his kids' company. If it is not because I am feeling depress, I doubt Daddy will be taking the initiative to look after Gladys and play with Denver. I am tired of always asking "Dear, help me... ", "Dear, look after ... " and hubby cannot be interrupted in the middle of the game event... why do I need to ask for help anyway? It seems so meaningless.. If I were to fall sick, who will feed, bath, look after them? I doubt hubby can manage 2 kids by himself and most probably it will be given to my inlaws to look after instead. As a matter of fact, it is the truth that even if I am not sick, he will not choose to be home alone looking after 2 kids. So why am I not having the same priviledge?

My colleagues used to say I pampered my hubby. That's why he is not learning to bath, feed, looking after the kids and taking the initiative to help me with the housework. Actually, I don't think my words or thoughts has any weight. Things that I have voiced out will be forgotten... whether I am right or wrong. At times, I feel that I am taken for granted.

Even with the recent Malaysia trip, hubby says I can choose not to go.. frankly..is there really a choice for me? There are already complications and unhappiness within the family because of this trip. If I don't go, it is going to make life more difficult for hubby and many people. It will also not be easy for me to stay home with Gladys too. Of course, this is only my opinion and one side of the story. I know all trips will be tired if you bring kids along. Being tired is one thing.. but being tired and feeling happy at the same time is another thing. It does not matter if I do not feel happy at the end of the day because the purpose of this trip is for my father in law to be happy. So why should I be selfish and a bottleneck?

Give me a break...

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