~ Traumatized ~

Life is so unpredictable and beyond our control. The fear we experienced 3 years ago has been felt strongly again today. Today is a normal Sunday morning.. Sunny.. bright and we had planned to have lunch at my mum's place after Denver's swimming lesson.. I still remembered Denver hugging me and being naughty before he say "Bye Bye Mummy"...

I stayed home with Gladys and was watching "Black Jack" while putting her to nap. It was an episode on how a no-license doctor saved a baby boy during war times... just as I was feeling sad and near to tears, the phone rang at 1040am and Hubby told me Denver had a bad cut on his face and bleeding.. I was shocked and worried... the only thing that came to my mind was what happened when Denver was 2 years old. It was Mother's day (May 2005).. after visiting my mum, Denver walked on his own and fell on a concrete sharp end along the corridor.. it fell hard on his forehead and he cried badly...blood was flowing out tremendously. I was traumatized and we quickly rushed him to KK Hospital... he had 3 stitches then... and left a scar till now..

I can't explain if it is coincident or it was fate that Denver suffered the same incident today again in May 2008. This time round, I was not by his side.. We put Gladys at my inlaws place and quickly took him to KK Hospital again... We hoped the doctors can give him glue instead of stitch to avoid leaving another scar... but the wound is vertical and too deep and wide...:( The nurse apply a cooling glue on his wound to numb the area.. After 30mins, I accompany Denver to the room for stitching... I never realized how deep it was until the doctor took off the plaster and starts cleaning up the wound.. I really felt like crying at that time.. but I couldn't as Denver needs my moral support. As he is lying down on the bed, with blankets covering him.. I hold on to his hands... I know he is afraid ... he closed his eyes and didn't speak. The only thing I can do at that moment is to stand by him and keep talking to him...

"Denver, you are a brave boy like Ben"

"Ben is very courageous fighting the monsters.. You are like him"

"We will go Macdonalds for lunch.. What do you like? Nuggets? Fries?"

"You want a Kid's meal toy from Mac?"

"You want Ice-cream?"

"We are going home soon"

"Doctor is very gentle, it's like an ant bite"

"Don't be afraid..One last stitch"

The wound was about 2cm long.. deep..He had 5 stitches. My heart felt really painful... but I could not breakdown. Twice.. he suffered head injury and missed hurting his eyes by that little..

Denver was really brave.. not sheding a tear and let the doctor do the stitching.. He was still as active and bubbly.. I'm glad for that.. As promised, we took him for a good Macdonald lunch, got him ice-cream and a toy. I know Denver likes the OMNITRIX (Ben 10 watch)... we went down to Takashimaya and got him that for his birthday present. He was happy..

The only things I gathered after was he had finished his swimming lesson and bathing at the children pool area. Hubby went to put down his bag.. and shortly he heard Denver's loud scream... According to Denver.. he bang his head on the water pipes while trying to press for water.

All seems to be over for now... but actually its not for us... Hubby was as traumatized as me.. He felt even worse and put all the blame to himself... Being involved in a car accident when he was 10 and now seeing Denver suffered head injuries twice when he was so close to him on both occassion really had a great impact on him... I cried.. He cried... we can't help blaming ourselves as parents... I know accidents happen.... we cannot be with the child at all times to protect them.. but it is always when things happened that we start to ponder and blame ourselves....thinking "only if I were there."... "only if I did not leave him alone"... "only if....."

It's near Midnight.. Denver was coughing and vomitted. I was worried.. Hubby says it's due to the cough he was suffering and should be fine.. so long its not more than 3 vomits in a day. We gave him cough mixture and warm water.. He is awake and could not sleep.. Right now, I am sitting beside him as he is lying down on the sofa watching Cartoon Network.. I asked if he is tired and wanted to sleep.. he says "no...". Frankly, my body is tired physically.. I'm having a headache... but I can't sleep either. Looking at him in this stage.. the fear that was within me 3 years ago has rise again... For the next 72 hours, this is the critical monitoring period for head injury... I am glad brother has came to visit and helped me to look after the kids for awhile.. the intense emotional strain has really tired me out... I had no mood to look after Gladys and the guilt could not go away. Seeing the new scar is not only going to leave a permanent mark on Denver... but also on us. For the past 3 years.. although the wound has started to heal.. seeing the old scar has always make me feel bad.. now, its haunting me again.. double the impact. Hubby is not taking it well.. I can't either...

Although we did not show/mention it.. but it is deeply crave in our hearts. I hope Hubby don't think too much and concentrate on driving. I have to move on too...somehow... 1211am.. Denver still awake.. what can I do? :(